Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
