you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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