Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
