im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
