Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
