when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
