we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
