Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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