I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
