apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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