I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Sext me about skeletons
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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