I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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