I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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