we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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