I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
