Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
