It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
