Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
