you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
