i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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