I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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