I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
