your room smells of hookers.
And success
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
