an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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