I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
My ATM looks so different sober.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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