You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
