Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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