I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
