Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
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