in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
