evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
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He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
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Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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