I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize