So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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