Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
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I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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