I got chris browned last night
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.