i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.