Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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