You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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