I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
