I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
