Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
