He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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