Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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