I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
