My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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