you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
