Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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