my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
you traded sex for a burrito?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
