Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
