I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
