god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
