How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
