It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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