why didn't you poke me back
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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