I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
