tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
