My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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