And the cops told us we were all naked.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
